It is an Adam Sandler film. Enough said. The Longest Yard is a remake of the 1974 film of the same name… wow that is a direct quote from Wikipedia. Anyway: I have not seen the original film so I cannot say if this remake is better or worse than the original so I have to review this movie on it’s own. It’s like reviewing The Force Awakens withouth seeing A New Hope.
How to tell that this did not get an Oscar? Just look at the cover. Look at Sandler’s face. Nobody smiles like that. Ugh. The acting is… okay. I mean I didn’t see anything that bad to comment on. Sandler wasn’t annoying in this movie, which might be the biggest plus I can give to this movie. This movie was very basic. I think that is the best way to sum up this movie: Basic. Have you ever seen any sports movie where the entire movie is a buildup to the last match/game? Then you have seen The Longest Yard. It is not bad but it is not that great. For 2€ from a flea market I think that this movie was worth it but watching it at the movies at the cost of 5-15€? Not so much.
So the plot starts with the camera pointed at a random girl’s ass. I… I don’t… why? There is zero sex or sexual jokes in this movie so why start with this? Anyway: Then we meet the wife who “owns” Sandler who is a retired American football start. Here is my first complaint: The wife says that she OWNS Sandler. Um… what do you mean? It is never explained in the movie. Is this about the whole probation thing? Why does the wife have a gay friend and why do we NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN? After Sandler locks his wife into the closet and crashes her car, we don’t see the wife or the gay friend again. Not even at the finale… or were they at the audience?… I don’t think so, no. We had a gay guy who was attracted to Sandler and we never see him again. The wife doesn’t really matter since she was annoying and didn’t do anything.
So Sandler is sent to jail and he is forced to coach the prison’s football team. They decide to play a game against the guards since the guards are giant assholes throughout the movie. Sandler recruits the best of the best of the prison on his side and they go train as hard as they can while the guards try to sabotage them at all costs. Sandler’s friend Caretaker dies but you don’t really feel bad for him since you never really cared for him. He just… was there. Sure he was a good person and never did anything bad but it’s not like he saved babies from burning buildings.
So now we are at the final match. The prisoners are winning so the warden tells Sandler that he will make sure that Sandler will stay at the prison for many years to come if he doesn’t make the prisoners lose the game. He says that he has a witness that Sandler killed Caretaker. So Sandler tries to make his team lose. Then at the last second he changes his mind and wins the game and walks away as a winner. Then the warden tells a guard to shoot Sandler and we get a few minute unnecessary scene where the guard is thinking if he should pull the trigger or not. Why?
It is a basic and generic as sports movies go: You have the guy, you have the bad team which they are supposed to save, then the guy saves the team and is a winner and everybody loves him except the random bad guy.
It is like Rocky IV: It is nothing special if you have seen the first 3 Rocky movies but if you haven’t, it seems like a really good movie. That is what happened to me. The Longest Yard doesn’t work because: We don’t care about the characters, we know how the story is going to go, we know who is going to win and we have nothing new brought to the table. On the plus side however, nothing bad stands out as horribly bad. Sure a few characters are a little “eh” but they have minor roles anyway.
The Longest Yard gets a 4/10 or two stars because it is so basic and so average as it can get and there aren’t any terrific performances that give it that edge to be a 5/10.